Ambassador123

Eating pasta after the shower like a bizarre Tuscan nudist but I've been here for hours. Hairdryer raging, it's so cold The heating is useless and so is my soul. Eat for necessity, never for pleasure I want to empty my stomach again just for good measure.

I've got to get myself away, I've got to get out of here, I'm sick of feeling the way I do, sick of shedding tears. When I'm with you I feel like God, like there's nothing I can't do, without you I am nothing, I'm nothing but a fool. I need to be away from you, I need to be alone, I have to take a journey now, from the place I call my home. Breathing smoke, inhale it in, I know one day it'll kill, not soon enough, is it how it feels, but it's easier than these pills. Death, destruction, all these things, I bring when I touch, anybody outside of me, but still it's not enough. I don't want to be the one who has to live up to the ped

OK, so here I am again, alone. nothing but the hum of the damn laptop and it's incessant fan. confusion reigns from on high, my brain like a scattergun with the shot paintballing over the screen. Fear of myself, and anger at myself meet in battle in my mind. lack of control, just a passenger to the never ending, rollercoasting, flip flopping of something that within me, that I can't keep within me. Why am I controlled by this? it's my body, my mind, my life. Like Janus, my two faces are on show, and this time I physically have no strength to fight it off. I don't feel pity, certainly not for myself. loathing is a more apt adject

A list of things that absolutely terrify me; 1) Those massive spiders that look like giant, self walking, hairy hands. An animal that is so different from humans but bears such a striking resemblance to a severed human appendage clearly only exist to strike fear into weak minded individuals such as myself. 2) Moths. Any size, any kind. It's not just the fact they look horrifyingly macabre and give off a feeling off death in a room but the way they flap about as if they are in their death throes and lashing out at the nearest object freaks me out. Especially when they come straight at your face. 3) being alone, not just alone in a room full

I'm feeling philosophical I'm feeling pretty good I'm feeling better than for a long time I'm feeling like I should. I'm feeling on my own I'm feeling like it's OK I'm feeling nostalgic for the past but I'm feeling tomorrow's another day. I'm feeling I should thank you I'm feeling you were the one I'm feeling it's time we both moved on and I'm feeling we should just have fun.

Apprehension and tension surround me as one, as failure grips tightly and again I become the miserable mess I was born to be, screaming inside my head Until I can barely see. People will tell me "it'll all work out fine", how I despise the words of that clichéd line. My heart beats faster, and with every new breath, I want to tear off my legs and beat myself to death. It's like an addiction, still making me sick, like those mild high inducing brown and white sticks. Can't live with it Can't live without, quickly forming in my mind until there's no doubt. This is going to happen time and again, There's no help o

This is getting more difficult to control, how can it be this hard? It's almost like before it was easy, I know it wasn't but that's how it feels. Physically wanting to tear my hair out in frustration, over a fucking feeling!! I mean what the hell is normal about that? What the hell do I have to feel this way about anyway? It actually makes me burn with rage inside, what gives me the right to feel this way? What the hell is wrong with me so much and with my life so much that I have the nerve to feel this way when others have so much more to feel worse about? Is that also part of it? My feeling of self loathing linked in with the innumerabl

rip my skin from my bones, tear my heart from my chest. My armour is useless, when put to the test of the lance you drive through my façade, my disguise. You're still wonderful, perfect, angelic in my eyes. So much that when you spill, my life blood on yourself, in the end, I'd still apologise

The pen is my sword but the drums of defeat, make the obsessive, compulsive, the feelings complete. I'd tear out my chest, in my hearts final beat, I'd apologise for spilling, my blood at your feet. I've tried to move on, cos my voice can not speak, the residual terror, held behind my clenched teeth. My body is broken, the fractures discreet, of all the things I have suffered, this pain on repeat. The thought of another, witnessing what I've seen, The skin soft as chocolate, The sight of my queen. The love of another, I can not bear, But the thought you have moved on, fills me with despair. I still want you my darling

Traversing this land, through the great circulatory system of this living landscape. Like a blood cell, the tracks the arteries, The vessel the cell itself, and us, the passenger, The carbon monoxide.